Dating Wisdom

Passin’ Me By: A Lesson in Confidence & Dating.

The Pharcyde’s Passin’ Me By from the album Bizarre Ride II the Pharcyde is one of those songs that most men can definitely recognize and vibe with because we’ve all taken that “L.” You know the “L” I’m talking about, that one where you may have stepped up to a woman and got the mean swerve, that one where you didn’t even have the gas to give it a real shot and you rejected the shot before it even left your fingertips, or that one where you confidently stepped up and that shot just couldn’t and didn’t sink. We as men have all been there, hell it’s a rite of passage in my opinion. If you haven’t experienced any such losses (yeah L’s are losses in this instance just in case you didn’t know. I won’t tell.) I have serious doubts about your game; you’re looking unfamiliar right now.

I too have taken shots, and Lord knows all of them have not gone in. I’ve made some down right ugly shots, I’ll admit it if you won’t. Even to this day despite the semi-woke charisma I wield I shoot and it doesn’t always go in. Such is life. Speaking of missed shots let’s talk about a massive L I took and the lesson I learned from it. Hooray, story time.

INT: Dimly Lit Concert Hall, Night

It’s Lit. Two boozy whiskeys and a tequila sangria in and I’m buzzing. My co-workers convinced me to go to a free weekday concert and it was a great idea. The liquor and the vibe had found me and invited me to chill and I wasn’t saying no. So as we head to the back of the venue a woman of cosmic brilliance graces the stage. Her voice was like Amel Larrieux, and her vibe was Groove Theory’s Tell Me on repeat after three shots of the vice of your choice and a slow dance on a moonlit rooftop. Yes, she was beauty personified… She was bad and without rivals. I was mesmerized, not just because she was attractive but because there was just something there. What can I say, I love women that can sing. Anyway, after her set she stepped off stage and walked around the crowd. Of course I wanted to immediately shoot every shot in my arsenal when she came in my direction. So when my co-worker started talking about how great her music was I was ready. I smile, open my mouth and I promise you absolutely nothing comes out. And I do mean nothing. She’s smiling back expecting words and I was dead in the water. Needless to say she says her goodbyes to my coworker and smiles again at me before walking off into the dark room.

Now this was totally a L I could return from, or so I told myself. So I stepped outside and collected myself. I gave myself the hype speech of the century and completely invoked the spirit of Liquid courage to assist. Mid speech she comes outside and starts a loose conversation with some other concert goers. Fully hyped I await that conversational lapse and I approach her, “Hey, I really vibe with your music. What’s your name?” Hella basic I know, but it was a game time decision. It worked and she smiles:
Quick side note, if her smile alone makes you think “fuck it, if I pull her I’m out the game” she’s next level bad.
Despite the game winning pep talk I’d given myself I still was flopping. I end up getting her stage name and IG completely blowing the open lay up. At this point my soul leaped out my body and handed me a glowing “L” as it walked me back inside. It was a pain to experience an a even bigger pain to mentally reenact for y’all. It gets more painful because I spent the rest of the night in the cut staring in full creep mode at her (rookie mistake) trying to find some way to make one final shot before the buzzer. When the concert is over and the venue empties I tried to make one last Hail Mary play. It’s just me and her we lock eyes. As I approach again she takes a mean Boobie Miles, Willie Beamen cut hard to the right and goes straight to this old man who’s definitely apart of the stage crew not even acknowledging the hello leaving my mouth. And it was at that point I realized there was no coming back. I leave defeated and legit regretting my lameness.

And….SCENE!

This L taught me a lot about myself, as most L’s in life do. Particularly it made me realize the level of confidence I have when it comes to the women I’m comfortable approaching. That thought alone sat me down and made me think. I can say without any hesitation that if she had been a solid 7, or hell even a 7.5 I would have been in rare form but the fact that I perceived her so much higher than me and my skills without any knowledge of who she was, what she was like, or even a tiny bit of understanding about her personality really hit me.

In the mental conversations that followed I came face to face with my own insecurities. Somewhere in my development I gave myself a level that I was comfortable with completely capping my achievement not just with beautiful women, but in life. I don’t remember the conversation or the internal dialogue but it happened and it still influences me.

Now you all may not have anchors in the same places, but I think we all have limited our potential somewhere in our lives. Think about it, what are you comfortable with? A cushy corporate job/career instead of the hard fought one creative you’ve been secretly dreaming about, your weight, your partner, etc. What have you subconsciously accepted to be your limit?

Our experiences and society will often dictate set limits on you that you can either accept silently or loudly rebel against. Don’t keep yourself grounded on Earth when there’s so much space above you. Choose your own limits and base them solely on where and when you want to stop not on some subconscious insecurity a version of you years ago decided was safe.
Remember, it’s not until humans stopped hugging the shoreline that we discovered new lands. Follow your own stars and chart your own courses.

T.L.

Savages, An Observation In Two Parts: Part I

It’s warm out and it’s only getting hotter, so you know what that means. Savage season is upon us. If this is news to you sit down brothers and sisters. Class is in session, let’s begin.

Lesson One: What is a Savage?
In our more barbarian days savages were considered to be any uncivilized culture that wasn’t dignified or failed repress their inhibitions according to British colonial standards. Of course this was based on a shoddy English culture at the time, but certain sentiments still ring true. The modern savage is uncivilized and doesn’t adhere to the societal norms that many of us have bought into. They’re hedonist and have little shame in disclosing that fact. Add in some warm weather and we’ve a recipe for a disaster. Now I say disaster not because savages are terrible (savages are people too!), but simply put they don’t give a fuck. Savages are most likely to embrace the freedom of summer love and never look back. Typically they’re the ones out and about entertaining any and all suitors without disregard until they’re no longer appealing. Need some examples? Rihanna (She did tell you she was a savage), John Mayer (the settled savage), Drake, Future, oh and JaRule (Fyre festival was hella savage, but in a more literal sense).
Savages are all about enjoying the here and now while they can, I mean you don’t know what tomorrow brings right?
Lesson Two: Discerning A Savage
Savages, like their distant relative the fuck boy have many tells that speak before shit hits the fan. Can’t pick them out of a line up yet? This should help:
1) Savages typical have pain in their wake.
Bad relationships happen, more often than we’d like to acknowledge. Sometimes it’s our fault and other times it’s not. All kinds of things can happen. A savage however typically got there due to bad relationships and rarely ever arrived there by mutual circumstances. Life and relationships took away their ability to care about most things so savagery was the only thing left to them, and they’re good at it. Ages 22-33 typically denote the savage demographic. These individuals are super down, and super ready to cause some trouble. {Disclaimer: there’s nothing wrong with that, but with great power comes great responsibility.}

Savages aren’t bad, until you challenge them
Savages aren’t necessarily bad but what they are is super cognizant that they have little to no fucks to give. Imagine for a moment that you spent your last fuck and there wouldn’t be another shipment till next week, and all that’s left is a few sparse crumbs from last weeks fucks. Think of the energy you wouldn’t spend doing things you don’t care about. You’d be in a state of semi-hedonism as time went on and with it would come a sort of peace, well until somebody tried it. Yes, your near zen like experience would come to a screeching halt because someone made the mistake of issuing a challenge; this is when a savage is most dangerous.

In any challenge scenario the person who cares the least about the outcomes rules. Morality, consideration, and caring can all be tossed if caring isn’t in the cards. So tread lightly. A challenge to a savage tends to be mostly sexual or emotional in nature. Showing interest in savagery is always acceptable and isn’t a challenge. There’s no danger in talking to the savage in attempt to soothe their barbarian soul. What is dangerous, however, is to engage them on a purely sexual level (they will engage and not a single emotional connection will be made), play around or poorly handle their emotions, or ineffectively swerve them.
When you recognize a savage, by their little to no fucks, don’t make the mistake of engaging them unless you too are down for reckless abandon.

Let it be said…
Ladies, despite the intentions of Rihanna and her music it is nearly impossible to out savage a man. I don’t mean this to say that you can’t be a savage because you all truly can, however, you cannot match the savageness of a man. The depth that men can plunge to during savage season is the reason why Adele’s 21, Beyonce’s Lemonade, any Rihanna song, and Ciara’s relationship with Russell Wilson (Future’s savagery still looms over them) are held with such esteem because behind them all was a man with no fucks to give. Pettiness and savagery are two totally different extremes, but we’ll discuss that in more detail in our next observation.
So brave souls, remember, in in the wilds don’t feed the savages.

FYI: A Listing of Things Grown Men Wish You Understood

Men and women aren’t the most effective communicators when it comes to each other. Men moreso. We rather just ignore things than speak to it, but today on this glorious Sunday a group of men dare to do something different. We came up with a list for you the women around us. Hooray for communication!

 

1. Women without successful friendships with other women are red flags.
2. Sometimes a hello, is just a hello. Not every kindness should be taken as a statement of interest. Some men were raised right, go figure.
3. The worst moment in dating is when we realize why you’re single. This moment is even worse when we realize it mid-date and it’s too late to leave.
4. The best sex happens when you’re the most comfortable and relaxed. When you’re not trying to be sexy or sensual and you’re just you it takes things to a new level. Toss in some slight shit talking and you just may be onto something.
5. There’s a least one friend of yours we don’t like. The chronically single or bad relationship having one who likes to give you advice on how she thinks we should go. Yep, she sucks.
6. It still blows us when you don’t have any suggestions where you’d like to eat. Make a list of places you like and just toss one out every once and a while.
7. Waking up on the edge of the bed because you want to be close is cute, but selfish too.
8. After a certain point in the relationship, sex isn’t a gift (pretty early on if you want to be honest) anymore. If we were to just give you sex for a gift there’d be a side eye waiting. Be fair, especially if you wouldn’t accept dick in a box.
9. Women who have whole conversations with themselves via text because they haven’t gotten a response yet are bothersome. It comes off very needy and bored. We don’t have to respond to you immediately because you want it and writing more messages won’t inspire that to happen any faster.
10. I’m not here for your entertainment. Sure we can entertain you, but not be your dancing monkey.
11. A properly positioned thank you is a game changer. When and how you say thank you for basic behaviors pay off. Chivalry, while expected, is still something that deserves an earnest thank you.
12. Asking for food from a man’s plate is the kind thing to do. Grabbing food or passive aggressively hinting that you’d like some is not.
13. Quality time should be fair. We do what you like and then we switch to something you do. Pretty obvious, but hey some of you still don’t get it.
14. Men who are dating seriously are looking for a partnership, not a bill. The moment you become one we’ve already started phasing you out. If you think your conversation is a trade off for us paying for the date you missed the point. Be worth the investment by sharing your mind, spirit, and energy. You have conversations for free, so make your company worthwhile.
15. Space is a beautiful thing, and the best relationships allow people to have it when needed. When we don’t feel like being around you don’t take it personally, instead take the same time and enjoy it. Being around someone too much erodes the very thing that makes them appealing.
**This is an ongoing theme, so it’s only fair to offer a retort. Look out for the things Women wished Men knew.

Why You’re Still Single: An Honest Conversation about You.

You know there’s no easy way to say this, but I think I know why you’re single. Certainly timing is a factor, and yes the saying is true “things will happen when they’re meant to” but have you ever stopped to think that maybe it’s you that’s holding your timing hostage? Many single women I’ve met lately all seem to hold on to the belief that the right man will find them when the stars align and the moon is full. Don’t get me wrong I’m not here to disrupt that belief, but what I do want is for you to realize that while it’s great to hold on to hope, that level of faith without work means absolutely nothing. If you’re not spending your single time learning about yourself and growing you are doing it wrong.

There’s nothing wrong with being single it’s honestly one of the greatest things because being alone allows you time to deal with yourself. Some of the greatest growth comes from moments of self reflection. Look at the religious figures of our society take Jesus or Buddha for example, both men left what they were familiar with to find themselves. Jesus went on a journey for 40 days/nights into the wilderness, and Buddha left his family to find enlightenment. When there’s no distractions to occupy our minds focusing on us shouldn’t be a problem, but for some reason it is. Many people never learn to really decode themselves and deal with the depths of their minds especially when we’re single. We like to blame everything but ourselves because it’s easier and it makes us feel better. We blame the city we live in. “There’s no one here for me, I bet if I move I’ll find someone” or “this city has an unfair population so it’s hard to find someone worth my time.” I’m sure we’ve either heard or even said some variations of these things when the truth is more obvious. We don’t know ourselves.

Still reading? Thanks for forgiving me for the cliche. I can explain. You see when you go out and live your life you see everything from one perspective. You know your motivations, drives, and purposes while the rest of the world does not. That missing part that you don’t see is how you’re viewed externally. Both views are necessary if you really want to know who you are. You can think that you’re a nice person all you want, but if no one externally sees that can you really say it’s true? The part of ourselves that other people see is still a part of us, and often times it’s the hardest part to cope with. This is the piece of you that people see on dates and 9 times out of 10 is the reason you’re still single. You have all the context and backstory to explain away the things you do, but without it the rest of us just think it’s who you are.

Having an honest look at yourself and then taking the feedback you’ve received is level one to fixing your single problem, but consider this your warning it’s not going to be fun. Could you deal with finding out that the person you believe yourself to be isn’t how people actually receive you? It’s a tough thing to face, but it’s also very freeing if you think about it. Everything in life requires some sort of feedback for you to reach mastery. Dating is no different. Find out what parts of yourself aren’t aligned with the person you mean to be and fix them.

*Disclaimer
I am purposefully avoiding the obvious argument that different people like different things so what one person may not like about you may very well be something that another loves. It’s true, but that doesn’t help you get any better does it? Sure that aspect of you may not work for one person, but there are somethings like negativity that aren’t received well at all no matter the person. Work on things like that which poorly match up to the best version of you

Here’s a challenge: ask someone you care about to give you a honest view of what they think of you. Get them to share what flaws they see, and what strengths you hold as well. *Extra points if you can take it without explaining away anything. Take what they say and compare it to the person you believe you are. If they don’t have an accurate description of who you are don’t get upset realize that you’re not conveying that image to them, and work on it. Their view of you is real time without the luxury of your context to explain it to them so expect discrepancies. If you can face this challenge and not see any areas of opportunities try it again with someone new. Find something out about yourself that you’d like to work on and start on it. Honestly challenge your mind to explain your actions and behaviors. Find your enlightenment by leaving the parts of your mind you’re comfortable with. Stretch yourself by reading, exercising, or however else you can to align the current you with the image of the best version of yourself ( I recommend checking out books like /The 5 Love Languages for Singles/ or anything that can offer you new perspectives on interacting with others).

When you start working on yourself I can promise you that you’ll gain so much insight into how you actually operate and your motivators that you will be forced to grow stronger as a result. There’s an old Chinese saying, “when the student is ready, the master will appear” and I firmly believe that once you’re close to the person you truly want to be you’ll find the man or woman to test that theory for you. Be the best version of you that you can be and do what you can to continuously grow. Who can say what will happen when you do?

Being single isn’t a death sentence if you manage it well, but it certainly will be if you’ve never learned self reflection and correction. Don’t be one of those people who complain and blame everyone but themselves for the loneliness they experience. Take responsibility for the aspects of yourself that led to failures in your past and correct them so your future will be better. Do what you can while your on “the bench” so when the Coach (life/God) puts you in the game you will be the star player you’re meant to be.

T.L.

Four Years, and 21 things later.

About four years ago I started writing about relationships and attempting to give dating advice. I did this because for years I’d secretly been writing about my dating life. I was one of those kids who would escape into the pages of a blank notebook and just live there. I wrote a lot. Poems, stories, notes (of course), lyrics, songs, and would be pick up lines that I was too nervous to use. At that time I started realize patterns and connect the dots, or so I thought, in my head about how women were and how they then interacted with men.

Those were my credentials, and with them I wrote trying to translate between the sexes. Life came along later and revealed how flawed my perspective was, but I didn’t stop writing what I learned. Till it became another article “21 Things Every Man Wished You Knew’” came to be.

Now, this article was just a regurgitation of many conversations I had been having with my friends. We came up with this list after dealing with just a small portion of the young adult dating world. Taking all of our experiences I wrote this piece that at the time accurately fit the world as I saw it. Four years later, the world couldn’t be more different.

Evolution happened somewhere between then and now. I can’t really put my finger on the exact day, but I definitely know it happened. That being said, I need a new list and with it some more updated articles. The plan is to revisit the same topics but as an actual adult (at the time adulting hadn’t really caught up to me. Honest moment). So soon you’ll see another 21 things that, I, a man with some honest feedback from other men, have come up with that we wish womankind to really know. These are men who are great fathers raising awesome kids, men who are dominating the adult game of paying bills whilst still building a life they’re proud of, men who love women and unfortunately realize that they’ve caught those lifetime cooties our parents had, men who honestly just want to find our semi-best friend aside from our real best friends (who are squad, but you are too just not the same extent). Yes, those men. We’ll be rapping about it and it’ll eventually be a podcast topic (boom, totally a mic drop moment).

Life can give you a new perspective, one that really becomes apparent when you think about how much you’ve grown as a person. I smile when I think about it. Man, I had a great time back then, but I am happy to be who I am now. Just like I know many of us are when we face down our more primitive selves. We’ve evolved, and you know maybe this is how Pokemon felt (Total nerd reference. I own it.)

T.L.

The Supreme: A Reformed Fuckboy’s Lament

There are some things in this life that are hard to come back from, no I’m not talking about killing someone (Granted there’s no coming back from death…but you should totally talk to someone about that mind of yours). I’m talking about when a person drives you to the edge, well maybe not THE edge, but an edge nonetheless. I’m talking about when a person you’re dealing with makes an epic level mistake. Ladies and Gentlemen, the point I’m referring to is the point of no return.

I took someone there once, and even though years have past and she’s safe in the arms of better men the very thought of me takes her back to a dark moment. I remain Supreme Fuckboy in the hall of fame in her life.. I deserve it though, no arguments there. We had our sordid moments, and at the time I didn’t give a fuck so I lived up to it. This post isn’t about me though…Okay I guess it is.

Alright, little known black history fact, my greatest fuckboy moment… I was dating a woman and things weren’t going the way I wanted them to. Instead of working things out and doing the work necessary to find out just what we needed and wanted from each other. I decided that I could find another woman who could innately just know what I needed and give me everything I wanted.  And so with the blindest of faith, and decided to rip the bandaid off right then and there. So I broke up with her…via text message. There you have it. The crowning jewel in my glorious fuckboy crown. I even memorized the message:

“I’m not happy. I think we should end things…”

Those words were easy in the moment, and in my head at the time they prevented a real conversation. It was the coward’s  way out. I didn’t want to deal with her face to face. That was too much work, and though she deserved it the ocean of fish were calling so I left it at that. I dove into the waves and didn’t look back.

Years have passed since then, and thank the Lord for the obstacle course he placed in my path to help me evolve but I’ve never gotten over the man I was then. It is legitimately one of the few moments I actually regret.

Quick disclaimer

I REGRET NOTHING…except for this. I reached the final level of fuckboy that day and followed my dick to the end of the fuckboy rainbow. Spoiler Alert There wasn’t anything great there. I honestly ended up just sitting there for awhile waiting for something to happen.  It didn’t. There wasn’t a prize for being a player, for the large number of notches in my belt, or even the game I’d learned along the way. You know what did happen though?

A hand came down from heaven and humbled my ass.

So just a word to my fuckboy brethren escape the lifestyle whilst you can or you too will have the Ghost of Fuck Ups Past visiting your door step. I don’t know if you’ve heard though but Karma isn’t merely a bitch once you hit a certain level, she’s closer to a deity wielding the power to lay that ass down.

You’ve been warned.

Anyway…

Fast forward 2 1/2 years and many, many lessons later here I am reaching out to her. Wait, did you just grimace? Yeah I did too once the conversation started. Which brings me to the point of this article: there are some things we do in this life that we can’t come back from. I lost face that day and no matter how much change happens in my life, or how much I try to make penance I see now that I’ll be that Supreme Fuckboy in her mind. Life moves on, but what can I say I suffer from that disease, I forget the name of it, where I kinda want people to like me. Having her see me as the man I was stung to be honest.

Tread carefully with how you treat people. Burn your bridges effectively and with sincere planning. You never know the bridges you may need to cross again. In my situation, I don’t need the bridge and if I did it’s already decayed but it’s something I deal with. Not because I miss her or the relationship (it was great though) but rather that there’s still a person who will never be able to speak to the man I am. I want my evolution from Steve Urkel to Stefan Urkel to be undeniable. I want my childish days to be placed behind me where they belong, and unfortunately the blemish in her eye means something to me.

So here’s your lesson, show your best self each day. Be intentionally you and be mindful of your own hypocrisy. Don’t allow the you of tomorrow to be sullied by the you of today. They’d be pissed if you fuck up the future and then they have to travel back here to fix it. Have you ever seen a time travel movie where the Future person was happy to fix shit? Me neither.

The “Fuckboy” moments are fleeting, but the ramifications last a lot longer. Stay true to the person you need to be

Seekers & Finders

So I’m going to do something I get ridiculed for all the time…*cue dramatic music* Hasty Generalizations! Oh yes people, I’m going to make a very broad statement and try to hit as many marks as I can with this declaration: there are two stages of manhood. Seeking and Finding. Boom! Now before I drop the mic and walk away into the rain here’s what I mean.

When it comes to men and the way we deal with women, or our relationships with them we are either Seekers or Finders. For those who require definitions Merriam Webster Dictionary outlines them as such:

Seeker (noun), seek (verb)

  1. :  to go in search of :  look for

  2. :  to ask for :  request

  3. :  to try to acquire or gain :  aim at

Finder (noun), find (verb)

  1. :  to come upon by searching or effort

  2. :  to discover by study or experiment

  3. :  to obtain by effort or management

  4. :  to discover by the intellect or the feelings :  experience

  5. : to bring (oneself) to a realization of one’s powers or of one’s proper sphere of activity

Like I said above, men either at the seeking or finding stage. In the Seeking stage a man is trying to acquire or gain a missing piece of himself. He can be seeking this piece in various places, but there’s a lot of men who search for that piece in women. The Finding stage on the other hand is where a man knows himself well enough to be able to experience and recognize what he’s looking for. He’s searching for the pieces that fit the life he wants, and not the missing pieces of himself.

*Quick disclaimer: morality won’t come into this conversation. No fuckboy shaming. 

We’ve had the fuckboy talk already so I won’t be heading into those treacherous waters again, but we know that some men try to fulfill empty spaces inside of them by filling “other spaces” without regard or concern. These types of men are definitely seekers, but men who are forever single and have a track record of failed relationships are seekers too. So for the sake of your sanity think of seekers as any man who’s trying to find himself in other people or experiences.

Seekers are nearly completed puzzles that are so close to being finished there’s just one or two pieces missing and that emptiness is bothering them. Imagine a living puzzle just going around sticking puzzle pieces to themselves hoping against hope to make something work. It’s not the greatest of metaphors, but you get the idea. You see the issue isn’t the fact that they’re searching in women in this case, the real issue is that they are simply looking in the wrong place. It’s obvious that finding yourself should come from within, but it’s not that easy. Self-actualization ranks pretty high on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs for a reason. Few people actually make it that far up the pyramid. We often find out who we are through adversity and challenge, but fight as best as we can to avoid them. Hell I didn’t truly understand me until I found out I was going to be a dad (that’s a good 27 years of seeking if you’re counting). Discovering anything about yourself as a man (or woman, but gosh share the spot light ladies) is honestly a hard thing to do, and it’s even harder when you live in a materialistic society that judges your worth based on how much you have, how attractive are the women you surround yourself with, and the depth of your pockets. So seekers try to balance their own personal issues along side the ones created by society, and spoiler alert it doesn’t work out well.

Seekers a lot of the time don’t know how to control things going on inside of them, and often resort to looking externally for peace. Often times that can mean there’s going to be a plethora of women left in their wake. They masterfully escape from facing and dealing with their internal turmoil and problems so they will likely bounce around from relationship to relationship never dealing with what’s really lacking inside of them because it’s easier than dealing with yourself. If I merely kind of care about someone it’s no big deal to forget about them and start over effectively distracting me from the bigger issue. Hooray distractions!

Think of seekers and they’re dating habits like a person who hates their job. They work at a place that doesn’t really fulfill their needs, it doesn’t provide them with anything resembling a sense of pride, but they stay there for the paycheck. After awhile even that paycheck isn’t enough to keep them there. Soon they start  imagining a dream job in that would. It’s the job they would love to have because it fits perfectly and provides them with the peace their current job doesn’t. Be it that job allows them more creativity, less stress, more freedom, you name it that dream job has it. Eventually they’ll get to the point where they will either need to leave for that job or something like it because they don’t like their current environment. This is where most people jump ship and swim for better shores and hopefully greener pastures.

We all can understand that (unless your life is perfect and in that case you deserve a major pat on the back which I’ll gladly give with a smirk because I know you’re bullshitting). They’re searching for the “ideal” place that will make their lives better. Now we also all know that there’s no such thing as perfect, and that every job no matter how great it is is still work at the end of the day so it’s not about the job it’s about the mindset. You could not like your job, but still go every day and enjoy the hell out of it. It’s all in how you face it. Seekers haven’t discovered that truth yet. While they’re bouncing around looking for ideal situation after ideal situation they meet women who fit the bill, but ultimately things won’t work out with them because they’re seeking out perfection and chasing after an image that no one can actually live up to.

So ladies, if you’ve dated a man who was a seeker you have to realize and accept that the relationship’s failing wasn’t your completely your fault (you could have some fault in it). He was missing something within himself. Your relationship with him could have been amazing, but there was more than likely a missing piece in his mind and it was a deal breaker that you didn’t have it. Don’t blame yourself or carry that weight because it’s not yours to lift.

Honest moment:
I was a seeker for a long time. Even when I thought I had found what I was missing I went back to old flames and tried to breathe new life into them, until finally I blew myself out. I would think I found a missing piece in myself and then go back to an older relationship expecting things to be different because I made some mental change. It never worked out because I never really changed. The smallest of revelations won’t free you if as a man you’re not honest and willing to deal with the bigger issues with YOU. There isn’t a woman on this planet that can fix you, except Erykah Badu she’s the exception, you are the designer of your life so unless you can truly deal with yourself you’ll never find what you’re looking for in a relationship.

Eventually everyone who’s seeking becomes a finder if they’re looking in the right place. Looking internally for what is missing causes a man to deal with issues that he escaped from. Now of course those issues depends on the man, but in my case I had to deal with my unwillingness to work through things. I would be so quick to quit and start over in anything. Writing, dating, etc. all because I wasn’t happy with who I was. I swore that a person would understand me as I was without any type of guide book or instruction guide and just know me. The irony was I never knew myself. Everything I was at that point came from someone else. I was a collage of what I thought others wanted and not who I genuinely wanted to be. The day I accepted the man I spent years sticking away in the recesses of my mind was actually me things got better. Relationships meant something, birds chirped, yeah you get it.All those issues I had with others really were coming from me.

Dealing with yourself lets you better deal with others. Simple truth. What’s even simpler is realizing that you have everything you need to be whole, and that only two whole persons can function in a relationship. You very well can’t ride a bike with one an a half wheels. Dating a finder will teach you somethings. He won’t look to you to fix him, and he won’t accept becoming your next D.I.Y project. He’s his own man, and looks to you to be your own woman. You won’t have to raise a partner you’ll be raising a family instead. Sounds good right? I bet you’re wondering how you can weed out the seekers from the finders right about now. You’re not going to like my answer.

Despite your hopes you really can’t tell the difference between the two with just a glance. You’ll have to put some work in and have a conversation (or multiple, definitely multiple) about what type of man he is and where he’s going. Listen actively to his words, but more so listen to how he looks when he says it. A man that knows himself won’t bullshit you because there’s nothing to gain from it. His truth will be that, his truth and you will either like it or not. He’s comfortable letting you walk away and will respect it if you do. Get to know him (ask real questions, discover his goals, talk about his past, and get him to speak about his future). and you’ll find everything you need.

 

-EP

 

Life After Fuckboys.

forgetSo you’ve left the fuck boys alone, what’s next?  Well you’re probably going to take out your aggression on whatever man you meet next. I mean how do you know he’s not like the others? Any man could be a fuckboy, so why not treat them like one until they prove otherwise? 

You’d be surprise how often that strategy fails. Don’t let this be you. Don’t let past mistakes damage your future successes, especially when it comes to relationships. 

I’ve seen, and experienced women treating new men like the Ghost of Fuckboys Past and it sucks. It’s a losing battle on both sides. She makes it obvious that she doesn’t trust you, and well you don’t feel like carrying the enormous weight of some man you’ve never met or are ever likely to. Soon both the man and the woman tire each other out, and the cycle continues. 

Quick story. I was dating this woman, and oh she was amazing. Nearly everything about her brought a smile to my face (I don’t smile). She had everything I thought I needed. Gumption, Passion, Humor, Wit, and compassion. By the second time we went out I just knew she was worth locking down. She’d just gotten out of a rough situation with a man who most certainly was a fuckboy. Their relationship ended terribly. 9 months and a baby later it her spirit was battle-scarred. I could see her pain and I felt the weight that I’d have to lift being with her. Despite all that in our conversations she never made me feel like I’d become the scapegoat for his failures. Yep. Turns out I was wrong. Everyday with her was a constant battle where I needed to prove myself, and after a couple of weeks of hoop jumping and continuously investing it just wasn’t worth it anymore. Being around her bothered me because no matter how much effort I put in she’d hesitate and would stall out if we got too close. Eventually I just said fuck it. We tried to fix things, but the more I worked the more I noticed she’d never mentally left that toxic environment. Her Ex and I had somehow become inseparable, and it blew the shit out of me. Mind you I never hurt this woman, and spent the majority of my time trying to build something with her. I invested in her spirit the best I could, but after carrying the burden of her choices I hit a wall. I could totally understand why the term “broken woman” get tossed around. You don’t know how many conversations I’ve had with other men since then about constantly meeting broken women. Sure some of them have been with men who were responsible for the damage, but believe it or not the majority of these conversations are with decent well-intentioned men who are struggling to deal with the fallout. In one such conversation a friend said, “I’m done raising women.”

That sat with me so strongly after my last dating experience because that’s what a good man ends up doing. A broken woman has to constantly be poured into to bring her back from the brink. You must patch the broken places with trust, time, and hope. She’s a sponge and you have to pour out everything to fill her. That’s tiring as fuck. 

Before you get in your feelings, let me describe what I mean when I say “broken”. A woman who is broken cannot, or refuses to see beyond her past mistakes. Her perspective and emotional stability have been compromised by an individual, and there’s no plan or process on fixing it. Because of this she quickly profiles every new man as another fuckboy without even knowing she’s doing it. So to clean things up, it’s not her who’s broken it’s her perspective. You see no one can truly break you unless you give them the power to do so.  Broken women can be fixed, but they choose not to be fixed. We have all seen a woman go through a terrible relationship or situation and come out stronger for it. They will themselves to be better, but that’s not  who I’m talking about.

I’m talking about the women who had a rough go here and there because of some man, and then decided to work on themselves (which by the way never works well.). I don’t know how many times I’ve heard a woman say she’s working on herself. I mean I get and I’m all down for self-improvement but you can’t work on yourself off the court. Think about it like this. When your playing sports you don’t work on your game properly alone. No matter how much time you spend shooting around or working on the fundamentals in basketball you never get better unless you play with other people. It’s impossible to fix without in solitude. So many women say, “I just need time to be with myself” or “I’m going to work on me” without realizing that you can’t get better in a vacuum environment. Whenever I hear a woman say that I already know she’s accepted her psychosis. The Fuck boy won. That’s how many women find themselves post-fuckboy. You’ve tried to move on, but mentally you’re still affected by him and all the shit he put you through. 

You see as a man I know that every woman is different. There’s similarities yes, but we don’t treat you like the others. To take it a step further women would never let us treat them like the others either. It’s a new ball game with every woman. So of course no man would knowingly treat Vanessa just like Stephanie. Unless he was:

a) a fuck boy.

b) Ignorant of how dating works,

or c) all of the above. 

On a very basic level the differences between women become glaringly obvious if you pay attention, so of course we’re not out here making the rookie mistake of treating them the same way. Now somehow this didn’t translate for women. Sure we could totally blow the spot and demand to be treated differently, but we both know that would fail miserably. Because the moment any similarity appears between the two men they immediately become accomplices. John was a fuck boy, and you know what, Brian is to. I don’t know how yet, but he’s totally like John. This is our issue in a nutshell

Ladies don’t start punishing a new man for your mistake. I say yours because you aligned yourself with the fuck boy. Sure the fuck boy is to blame too. He lessened your love experience, and mistreated you. However, fuck boys can be seen from miles away if you were paying attention. You missed some tell-tale signs and ended up with one. It happens, but letting him affect your spirit and your mind is completely on you. Stop punishing new men for past problems. You’ll drive a good man away fast, and look up alone and jaded all because you couldn’t recognize that every man isn’t him. 

Here’s my advice for moving forward:

1.Recognize your perspective.

In order to fix a problem you need to understand it first. Think about what lead you to where you are. Visualize your mistakes so you won’t make them again. If you knew your past relationship was bad, but you stayed ask yourself why. Break down your reasoning. Did you stay with a fuck boy out of fear of being alone, boredom, etc.? Learn to analyze your mistakes and take note on solutions so they won’t be repeated. It sounds cliché I know, but I am so serious. Really take the time to truly work on yourself by replaying what went wrong. Was there any signs, when did you know things were going south? Asking and answering questions like these will get you to deal with your emotions and mindset.

2.Forgive and move on.

Yes you made a mistake. Welcome to being human. Now dust yourself off and get back out there. Life happens. We get hurt, we heal, and we keep moving. Whoever gave you permission to have an eternal pity party more than likely is a figment of your imagination (you should probably see someone about that). Next you need to forgive the Fuckboy. Holding on to any resentment is just going to keep you bitter, and damage your image of the next man. So let the weight go. He’s not holding it. He never was. You held all that hurt and disappointment while he went about his business. If you hold on too long it will sour you. So don’t let him take anymore of your time. At the end of the day he taught you a hard lesson and once you realize your lesson you’ll be better for it. 

3.Find out what kind of man you’re looking for.

This deserves it’s own article, but you have to know what it is you’re looking for. When you go out to buy a car you don’t just go to the dealership, close your eyes, spin and point to your new car. You do research based on what works for you, and then you try some options out. You may not find the car for you immediately, but when you do it’s exactly what you wanted. That’s how you have to be when you’re dating. You need to know what works and doesn’t work for you. Have standards that you won’t compromise for. Make realistic expectations (While it’s very appealing to expect a 6′ plus man with a great job to whisk you off your feet, it won’t happen if you don’t bring anything to the table) and watch how quickly you find great men that fit you. 

Now go take some time to work on you. Just do yourself a favor and do it the right way. 

Enter The Fuckboy.

if-you-re-reading-this-don-t-be-a-fuckboyThere comes a time in life where you stop and realize you’re a fuckboy.

Yes, you’re the evolution of the bygone scrub and in all sincerity the much better of the two. What really what is a fuckboy? 

Well in the way many women I’ve met refer to it is just a man who has a lot of maturing to do.

You’ve seen him before, many of us know him, it’s the guy who’s a chronic serial dater. The one who hasn’t found anything serious and is content to be a slayer in the meantime jumping from relationship to meaningless relationship until ________________ (insert really long time frame here). 

As a man if you’re honest with yourself you’ve fit that description at least once in your life.

Hell I’ll admit it if you won’t. Not going to lie it was definitely fun while it lasted, but now that I’ve rather publicly outed myself let me be honest. I had a real hoe phase, and it was filled with some really fuckboy-esque situations. Now I’m not proud of those times, but the lessons I learned then have ultimately made me a better man (that’s a topic for another time). Each of those lessons allowed me to grow bit by bit out of the pit of Fuckboyness, and now here I am one hand out of the hole still pulling myself up. 

Though I’d like to say that I’m a fully reformed member of socially acceptable dating society I’m not quite there yet. That fuckboy mindset is a tough thing to shake. Growing up and being a good man again isn’t easy it’s low-key going against a tried and true predatory accuracy the practiced alpha male was wired for. The animalistic part of a man’s brain constantly reminds him of how many women are around him at all times. It’s like Spiderman’s “spidey-sense” you know where he could just feel when something was going to happen. Men developed the same sensory awesomeness thousands of years ago when it was necessary. Nowadays that sense is just a part of the everyday experience as a man. We kind use it, but most times it’s just stuck on auto pilot. 

All men have this ability, but the fuckboy uses it to it’s sinister potential while the gentleman uses it much less. After some time navigating the differences I can’t honestly say there’s so much that matters to me now on the other side of being a fuckboy. I’ve gotten to a place now where I want more than just a woman with a great body and an “ehhh” personality just for right now. I’ve lived with that mentality for some years during which time I met, and lost out on some of the greatest women I’ve known. No lie to this day I still pray for those women because I dragged many of them along and sold dreams like a New York Times Best Seller. I can’t presume to say if I ruined how they feel about love or relationships, but I sincerely hope not. I just wasn’t ready to take anything seriously, and nothing they could have done would have made that happen. You see a fuckboy doesn’t care, and won’t until he’s really ready to turn that corner and mature. My maturation took some time and loads of experimentation. I dated so many different women looking for the missing pieces I didn’t have till someone made me realize I’d started settling (Dun Dun Dunnnnnnn). That challenge filled statement alone is enough to make any man or woman reevaluate things. No one ever wants to settle. 

So of course intrinsically I said “fuck that” and after about a day’s worth of self reflection came up with this brick and mortar perspective: I want an upper echelon bad, top tier woman with the spirit, wisdom, and personality to keep me satisfied for the rest of my life. I say that knowing full well how it sounds, but allow me the pleasure of breaking that down. All that I said was relative and by nature individualized to my interpretation of what that all means to me. There’s a level of realism inserted in that statement. Notice I didn’t say that I’m eagerly searching for a supermodel, a goddess amongst pitiful mortals, or the walking interpretation of all that is considered beautiful within the confines of this planet. But what I mean is that I’m looking for a woman who embodies those five traits to me. No set impossible to find parameters just an open invitation to the woman who represents them to me., Sluggishly I’ve begun the journey from a fuckboy to a gentleman, and hey good news Ladies I’m not alone.

The ranks of us newly reformed men are constantly changing. Right now that doesn’t sound too appealing yet, but there’s an old proverb that may fix things. It says that, “only the fool can become wise.” Only a fool can find the experience and change for the better. Sure you can find a wise man who was never a fool, good luck with that though, but even if you did wouldn’t you rather have a fool who endeavored to keep bettering himself till became wise?

Your answer is relative to your place in life I guess. It could mean any number of unimportant things that I could discuss and try to make profound, but that’s not my intention. 

My purpose of this article is to hold myself and other former fuckboys accountable. All this sounds really great, and right now I mean every single word of it but when the full moon rises and the night is still my inner fuckboy rears his evil head. This article isn’t the silver bullet by any means. Nothing can save you from the dreaded fuck boy muahahaha. No realistically this article may just keep us focused and there’s nothing wrong with that. Hey who know’s maybe I managed to inspire someone else. No? Yeah didn’t think so. 

Until Next Time,

T.L.