Lately I’ve been doing some soul searching. Since I was having trouble finding myself on my home, I went to get some help and the library seemed the best place to start. I started reading random books here and there patiently waiting for something to click. Then, at the very apex of my literary voraciousness, I discovered podcasts. Months went by, and all that time I thought about writing, but I wanted to focus more on finally finding me. So I wrote whenever the spirit moved (I have a few articles from that time that I’ll add on here eventually).
I started spending my free time trying to find myself and the ultimate me looked like. Eventually, something interesting happened. I found myself, or at least a tiny bit. I got small breakthroughs here and there, and soon it all started to click. Lessons I learned from one book would start affirming themselves and battling my current perspectives. I started writing things down and paying attention to the things around me. Soon, before I knew it, I found me. I don’t mean that had one of those grand awakening moments where you hear the universe echoing in your earlobes whilst God nods in approval. Yeah, I went a little far in the comparison, but that’s what we’re looking for. We need that loud voice to shake us and say, “YES, FINALLY. YOU GET IT. THAT’S THE WAY!” We crave finding fulfillment the easy way with minimum work required. I’ll be honest enough to admit it. If there was a test that could accurately measure “me” and somehow tell me what I should spend the rest of my life doing because it fits, I would have taken it. Especially before I became a parent (at that point I would have been happy with just a point in the right direction) but, it doesn’t happen that way and it makes complete sense to me now. Finding yourself is a chore, it’s washing the dishes (your thoughts) and drying the ideas and dreams that last. Sure you could use the dishwasher and save yourself some time, but there’s something peaceful about washing. The same thing can be said about soul-searching. Each day I am really striving to be better than the day before. Admittedly I had some setbacks. I had days where nothing changed at all, but I had days when I effortlessly made the change.
Those days are the days that I saw who I wanted to be. I’m still waiting for who I’m meant to be.
You know, I never expected to be this close to 30 and still have no clue about what I want to do with my life. I mean I have some great ideas about it, but with so many directions to go, I admit to stopping and checking out the scenery. Good news is I did discover a lot of things I don’t want to do, and it’s a long list. I realize that despite popular opinion, I think many people never really get there and they’re just amazing at faking it. People, when faced with nearly limitless options about their destiny, make the safe choice of building a life with minimal risks: they’re passive investors. They plan on making consistent money over an extended period of time without doing much in the terms of market research. They have invested in the index fund and are well on their way. I have been trying this investment strategy and discovered some pretty great returns…but it’s not for me.
I need risk. I need mistakes. I need the opportunity to learn something amazing along the way. These last few years I’ve been blessed to witness my friends do amazing things and make great money doing it. I’m proud of them and the lives that they’re leading. For a long time, I prayed that I could live a similar life, and over the years I’ve tried my hand at it. I’ve joined the ranks of some really amazing people in the loving embrace of corporate America. Suffice to say, she’s not really a loving caregiver. Each day I feel the tug for something else, something different. Something that I’m sure will ultimately lead me somewhere risky. And here we are, right where I am now.
Now, after taking the time to find and invest in me, I’m back on the road staring at the many directions I could go, contemplating the nearly infinite possibilities of how life could be. Some of you have been in the place for years, you got there first and did incredible things with the life before you. I admit to being a late bloomer, but in being late to this party I saw some beautiful things along the way. I regret nothing.
So, consider this my first step yet again into another direction. I can’t promise I’ll write here consistently. However, what I can promise though, is that everything you’ll read will be me. Really me. Not a projected persona, or an acronym. It’ll be me, Calhoune.