Less than two weeks out of my sunken place and it already feels like external forces of fuckery are attempting to slide me right back in.
What kind of fuckery you ask? Well the kind that comes from the realization that your work place is not where you’re meant to be, the kind that makes you wake up from the dream of complacency and seek out your space in the world.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have entered the “Eat, Pray, Love” portion of my life and quite honestly I don’t know where to start eating. I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s start back a ways and begin with how I climbed out of the sunken place.
Last time we spoke I said that problems are relative and that all problems no matter how small they may be in comparison to others are still worth dealing with. I took that to heart and used it as kindle to put a fire under my ass. I want, and still want, to become a person I like and that ultimately I’ll be proud of. Unfortunately that meant burning the comfortable places I clung to. I was at the bottom of a well so to speak and before climbing out I decided to burn the ground just in case I got lazy and wanted to quit. In the words of CT Fletcher, “Leave yourself with no other option…I command you to grow!” So these last two weeks I’ve tried to do just that. Each day I’ve focused on just one aspect of the blueprint. Rebuilding yourself isn’t easy, but I can’t lie it’s kind of fun. I appreciate my sunken place for that. When you refuse to go back to who you were and have to face who you are magic happens.
This magic has a price, however. Self-help gurus don’t mention it, Oprah won’t speak on it, but hey I’ll speak up. The old you doesn’t go quietly to that good night, oh he (or she) rages against the dying of the light. This week I have had so many opportunities to just slide back into the danger zone. Everyone’s danger zone is of course different, but mine just happens to look like mindless escapism into sex, video games, and sedentary pursuits. So I had to fight this week, just like I’m fighting the urge to put these words away in order to escape for a brief break into nothingness. YouTube is calling with videos I don’t really care about, but may like if I just took the time to watch them. Hell, I still have to binge the remaining episodes of American Gods. I’m behind the times here ya’ll, but I’m fighting giving in to that voice.
I am tired of living in a matrix of my own creation, filled with empty dreams, so I had to remind myself to keep going. Yes, like the little engine that could I am still chugging along the tracks. Life can throw you a paintball party sometimes and give everyone but you a gun (definitely how I felt these last two weeks). It sucks, but you can push through it. There’s meaning on the other side of “bleh” if you can reach it. That same “bleh” is a sign that you’ve grown beyond what had been comfortable before. Bleh is just a temporary funk, it’s halfway out of the well and feeling the sunlight beaming down on your back.
I’m nearing the top of the sunken place now, and once I get there, I promise to help you up. Thanks for letting me ramble on. For the next few weeks I’ll be posting in depth conversations about truly climbing out of the sunken place. I’m giving it a shot, and I hope you’ll come with me.