Why You’re Still Single: An Honest Conversation about You.

You know there’s no easy way to say this, but I think I know why you’re single. Certainly timing is a factor, and yes the saying is true “things will happen when they’re meant to” but have you ever stopped to think that maybe it’s you that’s holding your timing hostage? Many single women I’ve met lately all seem to hold on to the belief that the right man will find them when the stars align and the moon is full. Don’t get me wrong I’m not here to disrupt that belief, but what I do want is for you to realize that while it’s great to hold on to hope, that level of faith without work means absolutely nothing. If you’re not spending your single time learning about yourself and growing you are doing it wrong.

There’s nothing wrong with being single it’s honestly one of the greatest things because being alone allows you time to deal with yourself. Some of the greatest growth comes from moments of self reflection. Look at the religious figures of our society take Jesus or Buddha for example, both men left what they were familiar with to find themselves. Jesus went on a journey for 40 days/nights into the wilderness, and Buddha left his family to find enlightenment. When there’s no distractions to occupy our minds focusing on us shouldn’t be a problem, but for some reason it is. Many people never learn to really decode themselves and deal with the depths of their minds especially when we’re single. We like to blame everything but ourselves because it’s easier and it makes us feel better. We blame the city we live in. “There’s no one here for me, I bet if I move I’ll find someone” or “this city has an unfair population so it’s hard to find someone worth my time.” I’m sure we’ve either heard or even said some variations of these things when the truth is more obvious. We don’t know ourselves.

Still reading? Thanks for forgiving me for the cliche. I can explain. You see when you go out and live your life you see everything from one perspective. You know your motivations, drives, and purposes while the rest of the world does not. That missing part that you don’t see is how you’re viewed externally. Both views are necessary if you really want to know who you are. You can think that you’re a nice person all you want, but if no one externally sees that can you really say it’s true? The part of ourselves that other people see is still a part of us, and often times it’s the hardest part to cope with. This is the piece of you that people see on dates and 9 times out of 10 is the reason you’re still single. You have all the context and backstory to explain away the things you do, but without it the rest of us just think it’s who you are.

Having an honest look at yourself and then taking the feedback you’ve received is level one to fixing your single problem, but consider this your warning it’s not going to be fun. Could you deal with finding out that the person you believe yourself to be isn’t how people actually receive you? It’s a tough thing to face, but it’s also very freeing if you think about it. Everything in life requires some sort of feedback for you to reach mastery. Dating is no different. Find out what parts of yourself aren’t aligned with the person you mean to be and fix them.

I am purposefully avoiding the obvious argument that different people like different things so what one person may not like about you may very well be something that another loves. It’s true, but that doesn’t help you get any better does it? Sure that aspect of you may not work for one person, but there are somethings like negativity that aren’t received well at all no matter the person. Work on things like that which poorly match up to the best version of you

Here’s a challenge: ask someone you care about to give you a honest view of what they think of you. Get them to share what flaws they see, and what strengths you hold as well. *Extra points if you can take it without explaining away anything. Take what they say and compare it to the person you believe you are. If they don’t have an accurate description of who you are don’t get upset realize that you’re not conveying that image to them, and work on it. Their view of you is real time without the luxury of your context to explain it to them so expect discrepancies. If you can face this challenge and not see any areas of opportunities try it again with someone new. Find something out about yourself that you’d like to work on and start on it. Honestly challenge your mind to explain your actions and behaviors. Find your enlightenment by leaving the parts of your mind you’re comfortable with. Stretch yourself by reading, exercising, or however else you can to align the current you with the image of the best version of yourself ( I recommend checking out books like /The 5 Love Languages for Singles/ or anything that can offer you new perspectives on interacting with others).

When you start working on yourself I can promise you that you’ll gain so much insight into how you actually operate and your motivators that you will be forced to grow stronger as a result. There’s an old Chinese saying, “when the student is ready, the master will appear” and I firmly believe that once you’re close to the person you truly want to be you’ll find the man or woman to test that theory for you. Be the best version of you that you can be and do what you can to continuously grow. Who can say what will happen when you do?

Being single isn’t a death sentence if you manage it well, but it certainly will be if you’ve never learned self reflection and correction. Don’t be one of those people who complain and blame everyone but themselves for the loneliness they experience. Take responsibility for the aspects of yourself that led to failures in your past and correct them so your future will be better. Do what you can while your on “the bench” so when the Coach (life/God) puts you in the game you will be the star player you’re meant to be.



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