The Supreme: A Reformed Fuckboy’s Lament

There are some things in this life that are hard to come back from, no I’m not talking about killing someone (Granted there’s no coming back from death…but you should totally talk to someone about that mind of yours). I’m talking about when a person drives you to the edge, well maybe not THE edge, but an edge nonetheless. I’m talking about when a person you’re dealing with makes an epic level mistake. Ladies and Gentlemen, the point I’m referring to is the point of no return.

I took someone there once, and even though years have past and she’s safe in the arms of better men the very thought of me takes her back to a dark moment. I remain Supreme Fuckboy in the hall of fame in her life.. I deserve it though, no arguments there. We had our sordid moments, and at the time I didn’t give a fuck so I lived up to it. This post isn’t about me though…Okay I guess it is.

Alright, little known black history fact, my greatest fuckboy moment… I was dating a woman and things weren’t going the way I wanted them to. Instead of working things out and doing the work necessary to find out just what we needed and wanted from each other. I decided that I could find another woman who could innately just know what I needed and give me everything I wanted.  And so with the blindest of faith, and decided to rip the bandaid off right then and there. So I broke up with her…via text message. There you have it. The crowning jewel in my glorious fuckboy crown. I even memorized the message:

“I’m not happy. I think we should end things…”

Those words were easy in the moment, and in my head at the time they prevented a real conversation. It was the coward’s  way out. I didn’t want to deal with her face to face. That was too much work, and though she deserved it the ocean of fish were calling so I left it at that. I dove into the waves and didn’t look back.

Years have passed since then, and thank the Lord for the obstacle course he placed in my path to help me evolve but I’ve never gotten over the man I was then. It is legitimately one of the few moments I actually regret.

Quick disclaimer

I REGRET NOTHING…except for this. I reached the final level of fuckboy that day and followed my dick to the end of the fuckboy rainbow. Spoiler Alert There wasn’t anything great there. I honestly ended up just sitting there for awhile waiting for something to happen.  It didn’t. There wasn’t a prize for being a player, for the large number of notches in my belt, or even the game I’d learned along the way. You know what did happen though?

A hand came down from heaven and humbled my ass.

So just a word to my fuckboy brethren escape the lifestyle whilst you can or you too will have the Ghost of Fuck Ups Past visiting your door step. I don’t know if you’ve heard though but Karma isn’t merely a bitch once you hit a certain level, she’s closer to a deity wielding the power to lay that ass down.

You’ve been warned.

Anyway…

Fast forward 2 1/2 years and many, many lessons later here I am reaching out to her. Wait, did you just grimace? Yeah I did too once the conversation started. Which brings me to the point of this article: there are some things we do in this life that we can’t come back from. I lost face that day and no matter how much change happens in my life, or how much I try to make penance I see now that I’ll be that Supreme Fuckboy in her mind. Life moves on, but what can I say I suffer from that disease, I forget the name of it, where I kinda want people to like me. Having her see me as the man I was stung to be honest.

Tread carefully with how you treat people. Burn your bridges effectively and with sincere planning. You never know the bridges you may need to cross again. In my situation, I don’t need the bridge and if I did it’s already decayed but it’s something I deal with. Not because I miss her or the relationship (it was great though) but rather that there’s still a person who will never be able to speak to the man I am. I want my evolution from Steve Urkel to Stefan Urkel to be undeniable. I want my childish days to be placed behind me where they belong, and unfortunately the blemish in her eye means something to me.

So here’s your lesson, show your best self each day. Be intentionally you and be mindful of your own hypocrisy. Don’t allow the you of tomorrow to be sullied by the you of today. They’d be pissed if you fuck up the future and then they have to travel back here to fix it. Have you ever seen a time travel movie where the Future person was happy to fix shit? Me neither.

The “Fuckboy” moments are fleeting, but the ramifications last a lot longer. Stay true to the person you need to be

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: