Seekers & Finders

So I’m going to do something I get ridiculed for all the time…*cue dramatic music* Hasty Generalizations! Oh yes people, I’m going to make a very broad statement and try to hit as many marks as I can with this declaration: there are two stages of manhood. Seeking and Finding. Boom! Now before I drop the mic and walk away into the rain here’s what I mean.

When it comes to men and the way we deal with women, or our relationships with them we are either Seekers or Finders. For those who require definitions Merriam Webster Dictionary outlines them as such:

Seeker (noun), seek (verb)

  1. :  to go in search of :  look for

  2. :  to ask for :  request

  3. :  to try to acquire or gain :  aim at

Finder (noun), find (verb)

  1. :  to come upon by searching or effort

  2. :  to discover by study or experiment

  3. :  to obtain by effort or management

  4. :  to discover by the intellect or the feelings :  experience

  5. : to bring (oneself) to a realization of one’s powers or of one’s proper sphere of activity

Like I said above, men either at the seeking or finding stage. In the Seeking stage a man is trying to acquire or gain a missing piece of himself. He can be seeking this piece in various places, but there’s a lot of men who search for that piece in women. The Finding stage on the other hand is where a man knows himself well enough to be able to experience and recognize what he’s looking for. He’s searching for the pieces that fit the life he wants, and not the missing pieces of himself.

*Quick disclaimer: morality won’t come into this conversation. No fuckboy shaming. 

We’ve had the fuckboy talk already so I won’t be heading into those treacherous waters again, but we know that some men try to fulfill empty spaces inside of them by filling “other spaces” without regard or concern. These types of men are definitely seekers, but men who are forever single and have a track record of failed relationships are seekers too. So for the sake of your sanity think of seekers as any man who’s trying to find himself in other people or experiences.

Seekers are nearly completed puzzles that are so close to being finished there’s just one or two pieces missing and that emptiness is bothering them. Imagine a living puzzle just going around sticking puzzle pieces to themselves hoping against hope to make something work. It’s not the greatest of metaphors, but you get the idea. You see the issue isn’t the fact that they’re searching in women in this case, the real issue is that they are simply looking in the wrong place. It’s obvious that finding yourself should come from within, but it’s not that easy. Self-actualization ranks pretty high on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs for a reason. Few people actually make it that far up the pyramid. We often find out who we are through adversity and challenge, but fight as best as we can to avoid them. Hell I didn’t truly understand me until I found out I was going to be a dad (that’s a good 27 years of seeking if you’re counting). Discovering anything about yourself as a man (or woman, but gosh share the spot light ladies) is honestly a hard thing to do, and it’s even harder when you live in a materialistic society that judges your worth based on how much you have, how attractive are the women you surround yourself with, and the depth of your pockets. So seekers try to balance their own personal issues along side the ones created by society, and spoiler alert it doesn’t work out well.

Seekers a lot of the time don’t know how to control things going on inside of them, and often resort to looking externally for peace. Often times that can mean there’s going to be a plethora of women left in their wake. They masterfully escape from facing and dealing with their internal turmoil and problems so they will likely bounce around from relationship to relationship never dealing with what’s really lacking inside of them because it’s easier than dealing with yourself. If I merely kind of care about someone it’s no big deal to forget about them and start over effectively distracting me from the bigger issue. Hooray distractions!

Think of seekers and they’re dating habits like a person who hates their job. They work at a place that doesn’t really fulfill their needs, it doesn’t provide them with anything resembling a sense of pride, but they stay there for the paycheck. After awhile even that paycheck isn’t enough to keep them there. Soon they start  imagining a dream job in that would. It’s the job they would love to have because it fits perfectly and provides them with the peace their current job doesn’t. Be it that job allows them more creativity, less stress, more freedom, you name it that dream job has it. Eventually they’ll get to the point where they will either need to leave for that job or something like it because they don’t like their current environment. This is where most people jump ship and swim for better shores and hopefully greener pastures.

We all can understand that (unless your life is perfect and in that case you deserve a major pat on the back which I’ll gladly give with a smirk because I know you’re bullshitting). They’re searching for the “ideal” place that will make their lives better. Now we also all know that there’s no such thing as perfect, and that every job no matter how great it is is still work at the end of the day so it’s not about the job it’s about the mindset. You could not like your job, but still go every day and enjoy the hell out of it. It’s all in how you face it. Seekers haven’t discovered that truth yet. While they’re bouncing around looking for ideal situation after ideal situation they meet women who fit the bill, but ultimately things won’t work out with them because they’re seeking out perfection and chasing after an image that no one can actually live up to.

So ladies, if you’ve dated a man who was a seeker you have to realize and accept that the relationship’s failing wasn’t your completely your fault (you could have some fault in it). He was missing something within himself. Your relationship with him could have been amazing, but there was more than likely a missing piece in his mind and it was a deal breaker that you didn’t have it. Don’t blame yourself or carry that weight because it’s not yours to lift.

Honest moment:
I was a seeker for a long time. Even when I thought I had found what I was missing I went back to old flames and tried to breathe new life into them, until finally I blew myself out. I would think I found a missing piece in myself and then go back to an older relationship expecting things to be different because I made some mental change. It never worked out because I never really changed. The smallest of revelations won’t free you if as a man you’re not honest and willing to deal with the bigger issues with YOU. There isn’t a woman on this planet that can fix you, except Erykah Badu she’s the exception, you are the designer of your life so unless you can truly deal with yourself you’ll never find what you’re looking for in a relationship.

Eventually everyone who’s seeking becomes a finder if they’re looking in the right place. Looking internally for what is missing causes a man to deal with issues that he escaped from. Now of course those issues depends on the man, but in my case I had to deal with my unwillingness to work through things. I would be so quick to quit and start over in anything. Writing, dating, etc. all because I wasn’t happy with who I was. I swore that a person would understand me as I was without any type of guide book or instruction guide and just know me. The irony was I never knew myself. Everything I was at that point came from someone else. I was a collage of what I thought others wanted and not who I genuinely wanted to be. The day I accepted the man I spent years sticking away in the recesses of my mind was actually me things got better. Relationships meant something, birds chirped, yeah you get it.All those issues I had with others really were coming from me.

Dealing with yourself lets you better deal with others. Simple truth. What’s even simpler is realizing that you have everything you need to be whole, and that only two whole persons can function in a relationship. You very well can’t ride a bike with one an a half wheels. Dating a finder will teach you somethings. He won’t look to you to fix him, and he won’t accept becoming your next D.I.Y project. He’s his own man, and looks to you to be your own woman. You won’t have to raise a partner you’ll be raising a family instead. Sounds good right? I bet you’re wondering how you can weed out the seekers from the finders right about now. You’re not going to like my answer.

Despite your hopes you really can’t tell the difference between the two with just a glance. You’ll have to put some work in and have a conversation (or multiple, definitely multiple) about what type of man he is and where he’s going. Listen actively to his words, but more so listen to how he looks when he says it. A man that knows himself won’t bullshit you because there’s nothing to gain from it. His truth will be that, his truth and you will either like it or not. He’s comfortable letting you walk away and will respect it if you do. Get to know him (ask real questions, discover his goals, talk about his past, and get him to speak about his future). and you’ll find everything you need.





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