Month: June 2016

Life After Fuckboys.

forgetSo you’ve left the fuck boys alone, what’s next?  Well you’re probably going to take out your aggression on whatever man you meet next. I mean how do you know he’s not like the others? Any man could be a fuckboy, so why not treat them like one until they prove otherwise? 

You’d be surprise how often that strategy fails. Don’t let this be you. Don’t let past mistakes damage your future successes, especially when it comes to relationships. 

I’ve seen, and experienced women treating new men like the Ghost of Fuckboys Past and it sucks. It’s a losing battle on both sides. She makes it obvious that she doesn’t trust you, and well you don’t feel like carrying the enormous weight of some man you’ve never met or are ever likely to. Soon both the man and the woman tire each other out, and the cycle continues. 

Quick story. I was dating this woman, and oh she was amazing. Nearly everything about her brought a smile to my face (I don’t smile). She had everything I thought I needed. Gumption, Passion, Humor, Wit, and compassion. By the second time we went out I just knew she was worth locking down. She’d just gotten out of a rough situation with a man who most certainly was a fuckboy. Their relationship ended terribly. 9 months and a baby later it her spirit was battle-scarred. I could see her pain and I felt the weight that I’d have to lift being with her. Despite all that in our conversations she never made me feel like I’d become the scapegoat for his failures. Yep. Turns out I was wrong. Everyday with her was a constant battle where I needed to prove myself, and after a couple of weeks of hoop jumping and continuously investing it just wasn’t worth it anymore. Being around her bothered me because no matter how much effort I put in she’d hesitate and would stall out if we got too close. Eventually I just said fuck it. We tried to fix things, but the more I worked the more I noticed she’d never mentally left that toxic environment. Her Ex and I had somehow become inseparable, and it blew the shit out of me. Mind you I never hurt this woman, and spent the majority of my time trying to build something with her. I invested in her spirit the best I could, but after carrying the burden of her choices I hit a wall. I could totally understand why the term “broken woman” get tossed around. You don’t know how many conversations I’ve had with other men since then about constantly meeting broken women. Sure some of them have been with men who were responsible for the damage, but believe it or not the majority of these conversations are with decent well-intentioned men who are struggling to deal with the fallout. In one such conversation a friend said, “I’m done raising women.”

That sat with me so strongly after my last dating experience because that’s what a good man ends up doing. A broken woman has to constantly be poured into to bring her back from the brink. You must patch the broken places with trust, time, and hope. She’s a sponge and you have to pour out everything to fill her. That’s tiring as fuck. 

Before you get in your feelings, let me describe what I mean when I say “broken”. A woman who is broken cannot, or refuses to see beyond her past mistakes. Her perspective and emotional stability have been compromised by an individual, and there’s no plan or process on fixing it. Because of this she quickly profiles every new man as another fuckboy without even knowing she’s doing it. So to clean things up, it’s not her who’s broken it’s her perspective. You see no one can truly break you unless you give them the power to do so.  Broken women can be fixed, but they choose not to be fixed. We have all seen a woman go through a terrible relationship or situation and come out stronger for it. They will themselves to be better, but that’s not  who I’m talking about.

I’m talking about the women who had a rough go here and there because of some man, and then decided to work on themselves (which by the way never works well.). I don’t know how many times I’ve heard a woman say she’s working on herself. I mean I get and I’m all down for self-improvement but you can’t work on yourself off the court. Think about it like this. When your playing sports you don’t work on your game properly alone. No matter how much time you spend shooting around or working on the fundamentals in basketball you never get better unless you play with other people. It’s impossible to fix without in solitude. So many women say, “I just need time to be with myself” or “I’m going to work on me” without realizing that you can’t get better in a vacuum environment. Whenever I hear a woman say that I already know she’s accepted her psychosis. The Fuck boy won. That’s how many women find themselves post-fuckboy. You’ve tried to move on, but mentally you’re still affected by him and all the shit he put you through. 

You see as a man I know that every woman is different. There’s similarities yes, but we don’t treat you like the others. To take it a step further women would never let us treat them like the others either. It’s a new ball game with every woman. So of course no man would knowingly treat Vanessa just like Stephanie. Unless he was:

a) a fuck boy.

b) Ignorant of how dating works,

or c) all of the above. 

On a very basic level the differences between women become glaringly obvious if you pay attention, so of course we’re not out here making the rookie mistake of treating them the same way. Now somehow this didn’t translate for women. Sure we could totally blow the spot and demand to be treated differently, but we both know that would fail miserably. Because the moment any similarity appears between the two men they immediately become accomplices. John was a fuck boy, and you know what, Brian is to. I don’t know how yet, but he’s totally like John. This is our issue in a nutshell

Ladies don’t start punishing a new man for your mistake. I say yours because you aligned yourself with the fuck boy. Sure the fuck boy is to blame too. He lessened your love experience, and mistreated you. However, fuck boys can be seen from miles away if you were paying attention. You missed some tell-tale signs and ended up with one. It happens, but letting him affect your spirit and your mind is completely on you. Stop punishing new men for past problems. You’ll drive a good man away fast, and look up alone and jaded all because you couldn’t recognize that every man isn’t him. 

Here’s my advice for moving forward:

1.Recognize your perspective.

In order to fix a problem you need to understand it first. Think about what lead you to where you are. Visualize your mistakes so you won’t make them again. If you knew your past relationship was bad, but you stayed ask yourself why. Break down your reasoning. Did you stay with a fuck boy out of fear of being alone, boredom, etc.? Learn to analyze your mistakes and take note on solutions so they won’t be repeated. It sounds cliché I know, but I am so serious. Really take the time to truly work on yourself by replaying what went wrong. Was there any signs, when did you know things were going south? Asking and answering questions like these will get you to deal with your emotions and mindset.

2.Forgive and move on.

Yes you made a mistake. Welcome to being human. Now dust yourself off and get back out there. Life happens. We get hurt, we heal, and we keep moving. Whoever gave you permission to have an eternal pity party more than likely is a figment of your imagination (you should probably see someone about that). Next you need to forgive the Fuckboy. Holding on to any resentment is just going to keep you bitter, and damage your image of the next man. So let the weight go. He’s not holding it. He never was. You held all that hurt and disappointment while he went about his business. If you hold on too long it will sour you. So don’t let him take anymore of your time. At the end of the day he taught you a hard lesson and once you realize your lesson you’ll be better for it. 

3.Find out what kind of man you’re looking for.

This deserves it’s own article, but you have to know what it is you’re looking for. When you go out to buy a car you don’t just go to the dealership, close your eyes, spin and point to your new car. You do research based on what works for you, and then you try some options out. You may not find the car for you immediately, but when you do it’s exactly what you wanted. That’s how you have to be when you’re dating. You need to know what works and doesn’t work for you. Have standards that you won’t compromise for. Make realistic expectations (While it’s very appealing to expect a 6′ plus man with a great job to whisk you off your feet, it won’t happen if you don’t bring anything to the table) and watch how quickly you find great men that fit you. 

Now go take some time to work on you. Just do yourself a favor and do it the right way.